Around Here

I've had a lot to think about lately. I've been questioning my choices. Almost all of them. My brain has been on self-saboteur mode and I don't like it. I've been feeling like a failure as a wife, mother, human being. And I've come to the conclusion that that is the problem. I've been just being. I need to do things. Lots of things. Not just around the house (of course, I won't be inviting the good folks at BHG any time soon). Around town, the country, with my husband, with our children, without anyone. I've discovered that my problem is that I'm bored!

Before I had Bebe, I worked. 40 hours a week but it felt like more. Healthcare is a physically demanding job. It's an emotionally demanding job. You have to take care of yourself and I didn't so now, four and a half months since I've "worked", I still feel kind of rundown. It's a problem and it needs to be fixed. This is where it gets tricky. I don't know where or how to start. You see, taking care of yourself involves doing things you like to do. In the hustle and bustle of working like a crazy person and becoming a mom and a wife, I've sort of forgotten what it is that I liked to do before all of that. Oh heavens. I've forgotten who I am to a certain degree. I'm more that the wife of a man that will some day be a great surgeon. I'm more than the mother of PM and Bebe. I'm more than my chosen profession. But somehow I let that woman get buried underneath all these things. And they are wonderful, don't take this as me being ungrateful! I'm not!!! I love my husband, I love our children and I will learn to love staying home with them! But when you strip those things away and stand me on my own, what else is there? And that, my loves, is what I am going to rediscover. Because I have to.