Around Here

I've had a lot to think about lately. I've been questioning my choices. Almost all of them. My brain has been on self-saboteur mode and I don't like it. I've been feeling like a failure as a wife, mother, human being. And I've come to the conclusion that that is the problem. I've been just being. I need to do things. Lots of things. Not just around the house (of course, I won't be inviting the good folks at BHG any time soon). Around town, the country, with my husband, with our children, without anyone. I've discovered that my problem is that I'm bored!

Before I had Bebe, I worked. 40 hours a week but it felt like more. Healthcare is a physically demanding job. It's an emotionally demanding job. You have to take care of yourself and I didn't so now, four and a half months since I've "worked", I still feel kind of rundown. It's a problem and it needs to be fixed. This is where it gets tricky. I don't know where or how to start. You see, taking care of yourself involves doing things you like to do. In the hustle and bustle of working like a crazy person and becoming a mom and a wife, I've sort of forgotten what it is that I liked to do before all of that. Oh heavens. I've forgotten who I am to a certain degree. I'm more that the wife of a man that will some day be a great surgeon. I'm more than the mother of PM and Bebe. I'm more than my chosen profession. But somehow I let that woman get buried underneath all these things. And they are wonderful, don't take this as me being ungrateful! I'm not!!! I love my husband, I love our children and I will learn to love staying home with them! But when you strip those things away and stand me on my own, what else is there? And that, my loves, is what I am going to rediscover. Because I have to.

Lists

I have lists of things I need. I have lists of things I want. I have lists of things to be done. To the yard, the house, for our kids, for ourselves. Why, oh why, do these lists never seem to get smaller? And then there's THE list. This one is things that I want to do/try at some point in my life and here I am with all this "free" time and I haven't tackled one of them. Not one. And some are quite mundane, like making my own soap. Or canning fruit for the winter. Planting a victory garden to reduce the grocery bills. Of course, some are really adventurous like go kayaking, sailing, to Egypt, to Australia, to India. I kinda feel really lazy right now. Maybe it's time to bust out the old list and start crossing things off.

untitled

Some days I love the life I've been given. It's such a tremendous gift to be able to stay home with our children, to not have to put them in someone else's hands. (yeah i probable made that last word up.) Most days I am grateful for a husband that is so supportive of the life that we are leading now. The changes that have been made are overwhelming sometimes, though. Some days I am an ungrateful brat. Some days I want more, so much more. Some days I would leave it all. Does this make me horrible? Has anyone else ever felt this way?



(editor's note: no lives are in danger, i just want a vacation really really really really badly. selfish. but not dangerous.)

orthopedia vs anesthesia (orthopaedics, anaesthetics conversation)

Oh. My. Gosh.

Let the holidays commence

This year my house won't look neglected for want of time to decorate. This year I'M doing the crafts with my son. This year the cupcakes will be done by us and eaten by us, too. I'm excited for the first time in a looooooong time for the holidays to be creeping up. And I'm not acknowledging Christmas until after Thanksgiving because I believe it's sucking the life out of the holidays. I don't care what the stores try to tell me, it doesn't start in September. So bring it on!

Battle Royale

I need Nanny 911. Everything this kid does is in direct opposition of what I've asked him to do. Or involves A LOT of whining. Or screaming. Or crying. And nothing I do seems to have the desired effect for longer than an hour. I've tried time outs, soap in the mouth (for language issues), standing in the corner, throwing away toys and taking away TV time. It all works for a very limited time. So, I ask. What would you do?

life as a sahm.

I need to write this down because I'm sure how I feel will change with time. I'm still struggling to find peace in the decision to quit my job. I know in my heart it's the right decision and it does make the most sense. I don't know how families with two kids afford daycare. Part of me is still uneasy about being unemployed though. I can't shake the feeling that I'm giving up my identity by giving up my job. (I am aware that being a mom to my children is THE most important job I'll ever have.) I pray, a lot, for the peace with this decision to come. Hasn't worked yet.

On a lighter note, this week we got pumpkins, Indian corn, and a whole slew of art supplies to tide us over for a while! I finished painting the front door. And the upstairs hallway. And started collecting ideas for decorating PM's room. In all the time we've had this kid, I've never decorated a room for him!!!! What kind of mother am I??? Oh well, there's time now! And no time like the present, right?

done

I did it. I quit my job. I'm unemployed. It's scary. How do people get used to this? Is there a trick?

ittles.

I love when she laughs in her sleep. This breathy laugh like she's just getting the hang of it. It's just so sweet. I love when I enter the room talking and she looks for me. I love the smiles in the morning while I wipe the spit up off her chin(s). I love watching her find the world around her. She hit the toy on her bouncy seat with purpose today. And she smiled that sweet smile in triumph. I love her. My Gittles.

I love that when he's tired he still sucks his lower lip and rubs his ears. Just like he did when he was her age. It's still so sweet. I love when I make him breakfast and he declares it the "best thing" he's ever seen. I love watching him lecture me on the importance of something I'll never understand. No, really. I have no clue what he's saying because it's still not in English. But it sure is cute. I love when he gets excited about going to school, not daycare, because "Big boys don't go to daycare". He watched his little sister get her shots today and as I watched he smiled down at her and said "I won't let them hurt again". Her protector. My Bittles.

Holy Moley!

Goodness, time flies when you're having fun! And we are, we so are. Where to begin? In the past month we have done so much, seen so much and grown so much. (She's HUGE!) We took a much needed trip back to the Frigid North. We got to go to the Science Museum, the State Fair, and a family picnic straight out of my childhood! I got to see old friends, a lot of family and places I haven't been in years. And our children got to do these things with me. We were able to spend a ton of quality time with my parents and siblings. PM got to bond with his cousin (same age, GAH!) and his Uncle M. I didn't get to see as much of my sisters but there will be other trips home, so I'll just suck it up for now. PM also got to experience some new things, things we can't do right now out here. He got to go horseback riding with Gran and he got to take a motorcycle ride with my Aunt S. Don't worry, it was a 3 mile an hour flight around the parks parking lot but he loved every second! As for her, She started to smile! In response to smiles! But it's genuine and we love it!!!! She got so spoiled with love from everyone while we were away, it's hard for her to not be held :) I know I've said it elsewhere but we really are blessed with amazing little travelers! I'm not sure if you're aware, but we drove to the FN. Yeah. With a 4 year old and a 1 month old. 20 hours, in a car, with two small and very demanding in their own way children. But still a good trip!

And now a couple of Daddy memories before I sign off. The first, just outside of Pittsburgh, he decided he needed a toy, no,a model of some thing from a video game. Yes, a lego toy from a video game. For the ridiculous price of $70. The second, outside of Chicago, when he tried to stop PM from darting into the parking lot full of cars and accidentally tripped him causing a most glorious round of snotting and screaming along with a most excellent battle scar. Cause chicks dig scars.

coming up for air.

That's not entirely true. She's an incredible baby. She's got such a sweet disposition barely getting upset except when she's hungry! I love her so much, her Daddy loves her so much and her Big Brother? O.M.G. He's going to protect her and I love seeing that happen :) I've managed to get a few shots of them together but I think this week will be the week for getting good shots of them maybe outside! I'd like to get some professional photos done of our family before I go back to work because we've not had ANY done since PM turned 1! Unfathomable! He's 4! Too, too long!

I'm so happy to be off until October 13th. Can I just say that it feels like it's creeping up on me already? Probably because it is. Poohburgers. But part of me is already sooo ready to go back. I miss adult conversations that have NOTHING to do with me as a mom, but rather me as a productive member of society. And the kids, because we always talk about the kids. Why wouldn't we? They're cute and a constant source of stories. Love them! See them? Hear them! God bless them! And make them better. If you're reading this, I never said I was an English major and I know full well that it does not flow. I also don't care. Love ~S

I kissed a girl...

and I liked it!!! She's here!!! Little Bebe was born Tuesday morning at 8:32am weighing in at 7lbs 15.8oz and measuring 19 1/4 inches long! We are so blessed!!!

Oh.

Well that just snuck up on me! In 4 and a half hours we'll meet Bebe! Holy towel bar Batman!!! And for the fun of it... 39 weeks. :)

Bummer

Sadly, yesterday was not it. I was hopeful that they would just do it and get it over with but no. They wanted to see change and while I was contracting, things did not change. This also happened with PM, that's how we ended up in the OR last time. So they sent me home to come back when I'm huffing and puffing through the contractions. Or on Tuesday when I'm 39 weeks and scheduled. Which ever comes first. Poop.

?

It's the butt crack of dawn on a Friday. Could this be it???

a list

1. Clean out my car- seems easy enough until I try to get started
2. Make and freeze some meals for after- again, until I try to get started
3. Finish washing and folding laundry- I'm trying to complete a task that is never ending.
4. Clean the monkey's room- great but he uncleans it for me after about 5 seconds
5. Wrap baby gift for SIL- I. can. do. this.
6. Find a present for Monkey from Bebe- I don't know what to get him!
7. Find a present for Bebe from Monkey- His only suggestion is a Transformer
8. Get bits for my family while they are out- You know, like a thank you!
9. Get used to the idea of being incapacitated for awhile- you never get used to this...

Thoughts on having Bebe

It's almost here, I can tell. At most we have 19 days until we greet the current inhabitant of my belly. I'm am excited to have peanut here. But I'm also a little concerned about having the two of them, home, alone, together. I'll manage. Women have done this for a very long time... But I haven't done it yet so I'm just a titch nervous. I have a lot of things I can do around the house while I'm off but will I? And when my time is up, am I going to want to go back to work? Probably not. We need to get cracking on figuring that dilemma out! But mostly I'm afraid PM is going to feel left out and neglected. I want to take him out, just he and I. And he should also get some Daddy and me time. But when are we going to make that happen??? Because PGY2 is a busy fella. Too many questions. So few answers. Hmmm.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Oh yes. This is going to improve my mood. My car died this morning, I had to call off work. It's at the garage right now and I'm certain this is going to cost a small fortune. One I don't have. Everyone is telling me to just relax. Can I tell you how much that p*sses me off? Like sends my blood pressure through the effing roof off? I'm (usually) a reasonable human being, I understand that things break down and don't always cost a fortune to fix. I also understand that it's just a car. But Dag Nabbit, I'm 9 months pregnant. I'm stuck home with a 4 year old. PGY1 is at work indefinitely. AND I HAVE NO CAR!!!! And it's supposed to be a million degrees outside today. And I ran out of watermelon. And I really want watermelon. Gah, poop.

This place

Yeah, the one I'm in right now. I'm over it. It needs some serious change. I'm over the drama, the looks, the undeniable resentment I'm developing towards it. I don't want to be here anymore. I need something new. How totally lucky for me I happening to be growing someone whose going to provide that something new. But I still have to figure out how to do away with this old. How do other people make this happen? I don't relish the idea of totally getting rid of it but I think perhaps a clean break is needed right now. Any suggestions?

On Bebe front, I'm only a 24 days from being able to definitively say whether it's a boy or a girl! That is sooooo exciting for me!!!! And my cankles!!!! We just need an exersaucer and maybe some cloth diapers (oh and a wardrobe for Bebe since white onesies are really boring) and we'll be set for quite some time!!!! Exciting!!!

First year

It has occurred to me that the end of internship is rapidly approaching and with it comes a whole new set of challenges. This year has taught me many things in regards to being married to a doctor, many of which I thought I already understood. There's nothing quite like experiencing it to drive the point home though. We have spent countless hours apart, we have visited the hospital he works at numerous times, PM has asked where his Daddy is so many times and I've gotten to explain what it means to have a Daddy that is also a doctor to our son. Why he spends so much time with the sick people. Why he doesn't spend as much time with us as he does with them. Answering that heart-breaking question "He still loves us though, right?". It's a circular conversation I have with our son. He's young, he doesn't remember that we talked about this yesterday (and the day before and the day before). It's a time frame that constantly reminded me that while I would love to have dinner tonight with my husband, he doesn't even know I sent him a text 2 hours ago. Not because he doesn't check his phone but because he can't check his phone. It has reminded me that while he loves us best (right?!?!?) they will always come first. And that's as it should be, I wouldn't want my doctor to be doing a half-assed job just because they would rather be home. I just assume they would rather be home and are instead patching me back together.

As first year comes to a close I am hopeful. I hope that next year brings opportunity for PGY1 to learn things he'll need later. Chances for us to rearrange time as a family. Hopes that PM will stop talking nonsense about Transformers. (I'm certain the last one is just a dream.) He loves us. We love him. We miss him, but this is not our forever. And it will only get better. :)

32 weeks 4 days. Start placing bets :)

Heh.

So, in just 4-7 weeks, we're going to meet the contents of mah belly. Weird. It seems sooooo long from now and I know it's really not. I'm nervous. What if PM is jealous? Like green-eyed, mean-spirited, violent jealous? What do I do? I only have my Momma and little brother here for maybe a week after I come home, if I'm lucky. I won't be able to chase the little bugger, he's reallyreallyreally fast. Do I lock us in the house and pray for sanity? (maybe I should start praying for that now.) I bought him some picture books to help with learning about babies and what they need and how to be a big brother but what if after 4 years as the ONLY child, he decides to punish me for making him an older brother? GAH! (Note: I am not at all worried about having a baby in the house. I can't bring myself to worry about someone I haven't ever laid eyes on!) Perhaps I'll be pleasantly surprised? My fingers, eyes, toes, legs and arms are all crossed!

30 weeks 5 days

I don't think it's getting any smaller. I'm kind of afraid of how big it's really going to get. This was as big as I got when I had the Pirate Monkey and that date is still 6 weeks away. Oh. My. Gosh.

I love this.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

be kind anyway.

If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies;

succeed anyway.

If you are honest people may cheat you;

be honest anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

do good anyway.



Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the end, it is between you and God;

it was never between you and them anyway.

Pregnancy Update: The Lazy Edition

How far along? 29wks 6d
Total weight gain? no clue, i turn my back to the scale
Maternity clothes? Absolutely!
Stretch marks? No new ones. Yet.
Sleep? Not the best. Between having to pee and low back pain...
Food cravings? Chipotle and ice cream sandwiches
Belly button? Almost flat
Gender? No clue, I think boy everyone else says girl
Labor signs? None so far.
Best moment this week? The party in my abdomen that I was not invited to!
What I miss most? Being able to sleep on my back or get into a really comfy position at night. And my ankles.
What I look forward to? Meeting Bebe and being able to take a deep breath :)
Milestones? We're in the homestretch. Only 9 more weeks to go!

how time flies.

I'll blink and this bebe will be here, this much I am certain of. PM had a checkup today, he's huge (we knew this), he's smart (we knew this too). He's incredibly tolerant of getting shots. Nary a tear or tantrum to be seen! It was amazing! Love that little guy. Such a proud Mama. And as I type he's eating bubbles in the bathtub, I don't know why. Still, proud.

kiddo turns 4.

Oh

Wow. It' May. May is a big month for us. I'm now 7 months preggo. PM turns 4. PGY1 joins me at the 29 mark. And let us not forget Mother's day! I need to actually write a post, like an honest to goodness post soon. Or maybe just put a photo up :)

Things I miss.

I don't often miss anything if I'm being honest. Free time to myself usually tops the list though. But lately I miss a lot of things. I miss being able to button my jeans. I miss being able to just skip a meal without turning into the most evil person I know. I miss being able to chase PM when he runs off. I miss being able to really dig in the dirt, I can but it's crazy uncomfortable. I miss ham and swiss sandwiches from P.anera. I miss margaritas (though I only drink maybe one a year). I miss being able to paint my own toes. Sort of. This last week, I find I miss my husband when I don't get to talk to him or hear him at least come home (really) late at night. And he's soooo freaking far away right now. But I hope he's having fun doing his thing. But for all the things I miss, I'm really glad to have the punches and kicks from the baby. They really do make up for it.

Good Grief

I think that maybe finger nails should be allowed to grow faster during pregnancy but perhaps toe nails should just stop for awhile. I can't really get there anymore. And you can tell :) But I love me some flip flops. And gladiators. And any other kind of sandal I can get my hands on and my feet in. Poor sad toes. First thing when my other half gets home, this lady is getting a pedicure! Because I need it! In the meantime, I've cleaned the upstairs bathroom (it looks very nice), I've started to finish up fixing the holes over the fireplace (cause I should totally be standing on the back of the old couch), I'm going to finish painting the hall and living room this week(end). I'm feeling all nesty over here. But I think it'll be okay! And then maybe I'll try to tackle some curtains if I can find fabric I like and a table cloth to match. And I have to pack up the junk in the nursery. And maybe set up the crib. And upon review, perhaps I should leave some of this until he gets home also. :)

Leaving on a jet plane.

PGY1 left for his trip out west today. (Boo, hiss.) Just myself and the PM left in the house. I hate it, it's creepy. I like when my husband is here, just not when he's snoring. However, he needs this vacation. A lot. A really really lot. And then I need one. A lot. :)

Shopping!!!

PM and I went out today to pick up somethings for Bebe... Breast pump, check. Bottles, check. Head holder upper, check. Mattress pad, check-a-roo. We had a really good time together, he was very sweet. When I asked him if the onesies I was holding were okay he said "No, they aren't. My baby needs color." It was cute. And I totally agree, except we don't know what Bebe is growing so we can't buy anything with color. Pooh.
Speaking of Bebe (and really, when am I not?), kiddo has decided to start making him(her)self known a little more frequently. And a little more violently. Hopefully others will be able to feel it soon! I thought I saw it the other night but when PGY1 put his hand there, it was all quiet on the fetus front. So maybe soon? That would be awesome. Yeah.

Hehehe...

PM is in the bathtub. PGY1 is in the yard digging holes. The Bebe and myself are eating strawberries, whipped cream and angel food cake. In relative peace and quiet. It's a wonderful evening. (And Bebe is going apey for the sugar!)

Oof.

We've got sooo much going on this next month. Okay, that's a fib. We have one big thing this month. PGY1 is taking a 10-day vacation. To Hawaii. Without me or PM. For TEN days. Alone. I'm not actually upset about this. He's been looking forward to a vacation in April since last October. I have no real reason to say no. I have to question his timing, but if he's comfortable with it, I won't argue. Plus, it's already booked. He's going. I'll just have to keep my fingers, toes, eyes and everything else crossed that nothing comes up while he's unavailable. That's only 5 days of the whole trip. Maybe, keep your fingers crossed too?

a photo

22 weeks 5 days :)

Old.

I'm officially 29. Wow. No, Wow.

I love...

warm sunny days after months of winter. Playing outside with PM. Watching PGY1 discover that yard work, while a pain, will not actually kill him. Knowing that the living room is almost finished. Feeling little kicks from the critter in my belly. Carrots and ranch dip. Being 5 1/2 months pregnant and not having gained a single pound. (Don't hate, they'll catch me soon.) Digging in the dirt. Bulb flowers poking through the ground. Weekends. Weekday afternoons. Pretty much anytime I'm not at work. PM's smile when I give him permission to dig holes in the yard. Power spraying the patio clean. Shopping for Easter candy. Coming up with ideas on how a Bunny came to be associated with Easter. Having my car paid off. My husband. Our son. Our soon-to-be-baby. My life. :)

caution: bad language.

More than a little irritated. What does it matter if we have chosen not to attempt a VBAC? Why do you give a hoot? I'm not asking you to pay for it, heal from it, deal with it in any way? I don't understand why you need to make me feel like the worst mother on the planet because I've chosen a different path than you. WTH? And why, pray tell, do you think that because PM isn't potty trained yet (yeah, he's almost 4) that I haven't tried? And your suggestion that I beat my child because he's not potty trained is revolting. Is this supposed to motivate him? Because I don't think it will work. I'm not even going to try it.

And now I'm done devoting time from my life to sorting through b.s. that you have laid in my lap. Your opinion does not matter to me. Go f*ck yourself.

Um, Hi.

Okay, I'm a slacker. It's been awhile. I know. We've done a bunch since Snowpacolypse 2010. I stopped randomly throwing up! I felt the baby move! We had our half-way-there ultrasound! We took a family trip to NYC! We visited C in New Jersey! I've grown to resent the hell out of my job! I've started peeing my pants when I laugh/sneeze/sit down (tmi?). We're only 5 months from finding out if bebe is a boy or a girl! I cannot believe how many people are irritated by the fact that we don't know and don't want to. Not even people we know, random people. What difference does it make? I can't change it, nor would I want to! (dumb butts) And yes, we have thrown around some names. No I will not tell you what they are. Guess you'll find out like the rest! I did find baby bedding (neutral!) that I like, it's fantastic, I'm ordering it this weekend. Nope, not sharing that either. :) (am i making you crazy yet?) Am praying for a moment of clarity regarding the job thing. Any extra prayers you, the reader, could spare would totally rock... Just saying. :)

Yep.

We got some snow. Like 3 1/2 feet of snow. In, like, 5 days.

In other news, I think I may have felt a fetus. Or maybe it was the apples I ate. But I'm pretty sure it was fetus. :)

Loss.

Lost my Gran last night. It's weird, we found out she passed on Jan 27th but as she lived in London her date of death is Jan 28th. Took a little for us to catch up I guess. I've been most of the day trying to find a florist that doesn't feel some compulsion to do strange things to flowers for obscene amounts of money. I think I may have to call them and explain what it is I'm after, which is just a bunch of multicolored roses in a vase. No greens. No baby's breath. Just roses. And not arranged in some odd pattern or formed into a ponies head (I think that is the weirdest one). Blech. Gran. She lived through 2 world wars, got married, had a blast, had two children (the first at the age of 39), had some more fun, had 7 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and is now Home with her husband Norman and grandson Stevie. And we'll miss her. She enjoyed reading, roses, tea, family, the water (until that Portuguese Man-o-War), a little drink anytime, and getting a little sun. She was 93. I wish I could have seen her one more time. Love you Gran.

whatever.

Yep. That pretty well sums that up. Not feeling well today. Want to baaarrrrfff. Want to sleep. Want to be done being sick. Want to feel the little bean move. Want Pirate Monkey to be ready for bed. Now. At 6:50pm. That would be spectacular. I also want to know why he was positively on fire when I saw him mid-morning but he didn't have a fever? Weird. Whatever.

:)

Finally, a couple of good days in a row!!!! Could my luck be changing? (Kung Po chicken still not my most brilliant idea) But feeling good, had a good appointment, go back in a month. Yay!

broken record

That's what I feel like. It sucks. You know. I know. I know you know. But I thought it would ease up a little? I had so many good days in a row I thought maybe that it was easing up. But no. This morning I had to puke as soon as I hit the door at work. Hadn't even eaten anything yet, just the zofran, some water, and a bite of PM's pop.tart. I've been afraid to eat all day (not that I let it stop me) and am still terrified that I'm going to revisit breakfast at this late hour. Blech. One day soon (fingers, toes and eyes crossed) I'll be vomit free! Right?

I'm married, right?

I have very vivid memories of this time last year. We drove out to MN to drop off one Pirate Monkey so we could take a vacation together, just the two of us. Oh, and get married. I have pictures. I have a marriage certificate. The one year anniversary of that trip is on Monday. Yet, I haven't seen my husband all week? Could have something to do with his job/education. The man has been in the cadaver lab (sexy, right?) all week. Poor guy has to give a presentation on the ENTIRE spine. All the anatomy, blah, blah, blah. At least he has a wife at home that knew this crap would happen when we got married! I love you!!!!

Oh my

Today started soooo well! Hardly any nausea, only gagged once (and if you had to change MP's diaper this AM you would have too), felt great! This afternoon, totally different. Want so badly to barf, afraid of what's going to come up, would rather just try to sleep it off. But I have to go make dinner for my boys. If you're reading this, please pray that the nausea/vomiting passes soon for my sanity's sake? It's much appreciated :)

The ultrasound...

was awesome!!!! We have a heartbeat people!!! Due date: July 27th!! I'm so excited I could PUKE! ;)