Around Here

I've had a lot to think about lately. I've been questioning my choices. Almost all of them. My brain has been on self-saboteur mode and I don't like it. I've been feeling like a failure as a wife, mother, human being. And I've come to the conclusion that that is the problem. I've been just being. I need to do things. Lots of things. Not just around the house (of course, I won't be inviting the good folks at BHG any time soon). Around town, the country, with my husband, with our children, without anyone. I've discovered that my problem is that I'm bored!

Before I had Bebe, I worked. 40 hours a week but it felt like more. Healthcare is a physically demanding job. It's an emotionally demanding job. You have to take care of yourself and I didn't so now, four and a half months since I've "worked", I still feel kind of rundown. It's a problem and it needs to be fixed. This is where it gets tricky. I don't know where or how to start. You see, taking care of yourself involves doing things you like to do. In the hustle and bustle of working like a crazy person and becoming a mom and a wife, I've sort of forgotten what it is that I liked to do before all of that. Oh heavens. I've forgotten who I am to a certain degree. I'm more that the wife of a man that will some day be a great surgeon. I'm more than the mother of PM and Bebe. I'm more than my chosen profession. But somehow I let that woman get buried underneath all these things. And they are wonderful, don't take this as me being ungrateful! I'm not!!! I love my husband, I love our children and I will learn to love staying home with them! But when you strip those things away and stand me on my own, what else is there? And that, my loves, is what I am going to rediscover. Because I have to.

Lists

I have lists of things I need. I have lists of things I want. I have lists of things to be done. To the yard, the house, for our kids, for ourselves. Why, oh why, do these lists never seem to get smaller? And then there's THE list. This one is things that I want to do/try at some point in my life and here I am with all this "free" time and I haven't tackled one of them. Not one. And some are quite mundane, like making my own soap. Or canning fruit for the winter. Planting a victory garden to reduce the grocery bills. Of course, some are really adventurous like go kayaking, sailing, to Egypt, to Australia, to India. I kinda feel really lazy right now. Maybe it's time to bust out the old list and start crossing things off.

untitled

Some days I love the life I've been given. It's such a tremendous gift to be able to stay home with our children, to not have to put them in someone else's hands. (yeah i probable made that last word up.) Most days I am grateful for a husband that is so supportive of the life that we are leading now. The changes that have been made are overwhelming sometimes, though. Some days I am an ungrateful brat. Some days I want more, so much more. Some days I would leave it all. Does this make me horrible? Has anyone else ever felt this way?



(editor's note: no lives are in danger, i just want a vacation really really really really badly. selfish. but not dangerous.)

orthopedia vs anesthesia (orthopaedics, anaesthetics conversation)

Oh. My. Gosh.

Let the holidays commence

This year my house won't look neglected for want of time to decorate. This year I'M doing the crafts with my son. This year the cupcakes will be done by us and eaten by us, too. I'm excited for the first time in a looooooong time for the holidays to be creeping up. And I'm not acknowledging Christmas until after Thanksgiving because I believe it's sucking the life out of the holidays. I don't care what the stores try to tell me, it doesn't start in September. So bring it on!

Battle Royale

I need Nanny 911. Everything this kid does is in direct opposition of what I've asked him to do. Or involves A LOT of whining. Or screaming. Or crying. And nothing I do seems to have the desired effect for longer than an hour. I've tried time outs, soap in the mouth (for language issues), standing in the corner, throwing away toys and taking away TV time. It all works for a very limited time. So, I ask. What would you do?

life as a sahm.

I need to write this down because I'm sure how I feel will change with time. I'm still struggling to find peace in the decision to quit my job. I know in my heart it's the right decision and it does make the most sense. I don't know how families with two kids afford daycare. Part of me is still uneasy about being unemployed though. I can't shake the feeling that I'm giving up my identity by giving up my job. (I am aware that being a mom to my children is THE most important job I'll ever have.) I pray, a lot, for the peace with this decision to come. Hasn't worked yet.

On a lighter note, this week we got pumpkins, Indian corn, and a whole slew of art supplies to tide us over for a while! I finished painting the front door. And the upstairs hallway. And started collecting ideas for decorating PM's room. In all the time we've had this kid, I've never decorated a room for him!!!! What kind of mother am I??? Oh well, there's time now! And no time like the present, right?