uncle!

She won't sleep. Or rather she won't stay asleep. I haven't slept through the night since last May. I'd like to do that again some day. But today, today was special. She didn't nap. All day. I laid her down, awake. She screamed. And screamed. I checked on her every five minutes but it didn't matter because she would not stop screaming. Like beat red, been ignored for days screams. And that's just after I laid her down. So I cave, after half an hour, because crying is one thing, hysteria is a whole different cookie. I fed her oatmeal and bananas (she screamed between bites), I gave her a bath (she screamed only slightly less), I gave her a baby massage (two guesses what she did). I laid her back down in her crib. She continued to scream. An hour and a half of non-stop screaming from her. With no obvious reason other than that she was p-i-s-s-e-d. So I go back in, for the 875,657th time and I put her in her car seat. She's out before I can pick it up. So I ask you, how do you wean your child off of sleeping in her car seat? (which for the record mimics how she feels when she's being held.)

Not good.

I've just experienced one of the less pleasant sides of motherhood. For the first time in his life PM caught the stomach flu. The kid actually threw up. At one o'clock in the morning. In his sleep. In his bed. I felt so bad looking at him at the top of the stairs as he stood there wailing, half asleep and covered in muck. He was so scared. So I got him out of his jams and popped him in the tub to get clean and set about doing laundry at one o'clock in the morning. Not really something I've ever felt a need to do. He slept on the couch the rest of the night, for the parts that he could sleep anyways. We all had it but I think he maybe had it the worst. My poor little guy! Apparently it's not something a 7 hour afternoon nap can't fix. Go little dude, go!

On a brighter (and less disgusting) note: nope, no brighter side to this weekend. We spent it sick, all of us. Better luck for the week if possible? That would be awesome!

she bangs! he bangs!

She sits! She rolls! She has rolls! She got up on hands and knees just now! She blows raspberries! She sucks toes! And she gives (really really sloppy) kisses! And laughs! I'd forgotten how much fun it is to participate in the baby phase!

He writes! He draws! He models! He takes pictures! He makes up stories about people and places and things! He cuts and glues and glitters! But not like a certain teenage vampire story. Not like that. It's pretty fantastic being their Mama!

2 years

Two years ago today I stood on a dock out over the Caribbean Sea and exchanged vows with a fabulous man. Two years. Wow.

Around Here

I've had a lot to think about lately. I've been questioning my choices. Almost all of them. My brain has been on self-saboteur mode and I don't like it. I've been feeling like a failure as a wife, mother, human being. And I've come to the conclusion that that is the problem. I've been just being. I need to do things. Lots of things. Not just around the house (of course, I won't be inviting the good folks at BHG any time soon). Around town, the country, with my husband, with our children, without anyone. I've discovered that my problem is that I'm bored!

Before I had Bebe, I worked. 40 hours a week but it felt like more. Healthcare is a physically demanding job. It's an emotionally demanding job. You have to take care of yourself and I didn't so now, four and a half months since I've "worked", I still feel kind of rundown. It's a problem and it needs to be fixed. This is where it gets tricky. I don't know where or how to start. You see, taking care of yourself involves doing things you like to do. In the hustle and bustle of working like a crazy person and becoming a mom and a wife, I've sort of forgotten what it is that I liked to do before all of that. Oh heavens. I've forgotten who I am to a certain degree. I'm more that the wife of a man that will some day be a great surgeon. I'm more than the mother of PM and Bebe. I'm more than my chosen profession. But somehow I let that woman get buried underneath all these things. And they are wonderful, don't take this as me being ungrateful! I'm not!!! I love my husband, I love our children and I will learn to love staying home with them! But when you strip those things away and stand me on my own, what else is there? And that, my loves, is what I am going to rediscover. Because I have to.

Lists

I have lists of things I need. I have lists of things I want. I have lists of things to be done. To the yard, the house, for our kids, for ourselves. Why, oh why, do these lists never seem to get smaller? And then there's THE list. This one is things that I want to do/try at some point in my life and here I am with all this "free" time and I haven't tackled one of them. Not one. And some are quite mundane, like making my own soap. Or canning fruit for the winter. Planting a victory garden to reduce the grocery bills. Of course, some are really adventurous like go kayaking, sailing, to Egypt, to Australia, to India. I kinda feel really lazy right now. Maybe it's time to bust out the old list and start crossing things off.

untitled

Some days I love the life I've been given. It's such a tremendous gift to be able to stay home with our children, to not have to put them in someone else's hands. (yeah i probable made that last word up.) Most days I am grateful for a husband that is so supportive of the life that we are leading now. The changes that have been made are overwhelming sometimes, though. Some days I am an ungrateful brat. Some days I want more, so much more. Some days I would leave it all. Does this make me horrible? Has anyone else ever felt this way?



(editor's note: no lives are in danger, i just want a vacation really really really really badly. selfish. but not dangerous.)